After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
