I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
