At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
