so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That accounts for only three of the penises
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
