: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
