yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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