nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Semen is not good for contacts.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
