I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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