Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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