FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
