She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
