I don't usually arrange sex via text message
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
