how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
