just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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