my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
did i walk over a car last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
