so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone came in the potted fern
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
