Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
