I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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