I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
