i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
