its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
