Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
