Someone shit on the floor
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
