Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
