i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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