upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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