Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
