Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
