dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
