I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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