Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
