It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
