One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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