I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
