great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
