He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
