At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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