oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
