i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
