I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
