I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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