oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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