I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
