I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
