Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
