take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
