I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
