I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
