Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
