Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
